What Is Grief - Part Two(3)

In this article we will look at grief and loss in a context other than the death of a loved one. Specifically, we will look at disability and chronic illness as a source of loss and grieving that is both profound and ongoing.

Many of us take our lives and our good health for granted. Yet every day we read in the newspaper of the many automobile accidents, shootings, or accidents that often leave the lives of victims shattered forever. There are also many medical events like stroke or traumatic brain injury that can leave a person partially or totally disabled. When something tragic occurs from which a person cannot fully recover there is a tendency to focus only on the medical aspects but there is an important mental aspect as well. This aspect is the experience of loss - the loss of the person who was. Unlike the time-bound models of grief that were mentioned in this series, the sorrow that comes from a permanent disability may be chronic and never reach a point of “acceptance”.

Parents of a disabled child are particularly susceptible to the chronic sorrow that comes from having a disabled child. Solnit and Stark (1961) were early pioneers in researching the impact of disabled child. They describe “disappointment, helplessness, humiliation, trauma, defeat and a sense of failure (Gilbert, 1992)” is a tragedy from which the family system may never recover. Solnit and Stark felt that grief occurred as a response to the loss of an anticipated normal child and noted that there was no “grief period” with which the parents could mourn their loss because of the immediate need of caretaking duties.

The same process could occur with a disabled parent who, in the absence of long-term care insurance or other financial means, may need intensive care in the home of one of their children. Initially the caretaker may feel some relief at being able to care for their aging parent but this soon my turn to sorrow as caretaking duties become more burdensome. Rather than having a resolution, the child often struggles with ambiguous feelings until the parent dies. Feelings of guilt, resentment, and even anger may hide beneath a cloak of depression and responsibility. The common refrain may be, “If I didn’t do it, which would?”

There may be no solution to the grief that comes from the loss of a child to disability or to the caretaking responsibilities of dealing with the infirm but there are ways to minimize the trauma associated with this form of grief. First and foremost is having a support system of people you can talk to and share your situation with. This support system may be friends or family or simply others in your same situation. Many such support groups can be found on the web. The second way to minimize the impact of this time of loss is through respite care. Many individuals do not take advantage of having time away from the situation where you can regroup and take a break. Family members, friends or even nursing aids or students would be ideal to do this. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!



              - By Don Doherty, MA, Ed.S.

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